It's almost never what you think the thing is.

Life just loves curveballs.

My latest curveball was my grandma. The grandparent I've been closest to my entire life—the one who basically raised me (along with my dad). She loved to travel, and she and my grandpa used to take me everywhere. London, Paris, Rome, Amsterdam, Disney World (multiple times), beaches, mountains, so many incredible places.

As a mother, I realize that I completely took that for granted. Along with all the lessons she tried to teach me over the years. Sure, I don't agree with all of them, but in hindsight, having someone that cares that much about how you turn out is humbling. The older I get, the rarer I realize that kind of love is.
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My grandma was always forward-thinking. At a time when women just went to college to "find a fella," she was the only woman in her family who got her Master's Degree and went on to enjoy a 30-year teaching career. She taught me how to use a Texas Instruments computer when I was about 7 and put me in computer programming classes by age 8. She had a VCR AND knew how to program it herself. She was so sharp (and gloriously opinionated).
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She's going on 90 now and her body is completely betraying her. The past month, we've been moving her into an assisted living facility which, for someone who is still mentally capable, is a major blow to their sense of dignity. And both of us are having to come to terms with the fact that she is starting to get confused more often. We're having to admit she's not quite as sharp as we'd both like to think she still is—not to each other of course, but to ourselves.
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Sometimes she gets so worked up about things that don't matter, and I get frustrated. Then I have to stop and think, shit—if I'm frustrated, imagine how she must feel.

And then I get curious. It's not the "thing" that's frustrating her; it's the loss of control over the "thing." And when suddenly the majority of all the "things" are out of your control, it makes sense that you want to ferociously hold on to as many of the "things" as you can.
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This reminded me of a powerful lesson about finding the "thing" behind the "thing." Finding someone's "why." Her "why" was control. Once I figured that out, I knew exactly how to navigate her frustration. BUT I had to navigate my own frustration first.
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I use a technique inspired by my toddler refusing to get a haircut. The stylist was waiting and this kid was not budging. Both of us were getting extremely frustrated, and then I thought, how can I see this through her eyes? I stopped trying to force her to get her haircut and simply asked her why she didn't want to. It turned out she didn't care about getting it cut, she just didn't want them to wash it. She didn't care if they sprayed it wet, she just didn't like having it washed in a sink. Had I taken ten seconds to find out her "why," I could have avoided ten minutes of total meltdown (on both our parts).
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That was when I had this epiphany. Now, when I catch myself getting frustrated with someone, I picture what they were like as a child. I imagine how different their childhood might have been than mine. How it shaped them, why they are the way they are, and how it's led them to this moment.
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Whenever I do this, I become flooded with compassion and patience. And then, looking through the lens of compassion, instead of frustration, I can see the "thing" behind the "thing" with crystal clarity. I can understand their "why."

"Whys" are very powerful. Instead of wasting time trying to get someone to come around to your way of thinking, use that energy to find out why they disagree with you. Oftentimes it's not what we assume it is.
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When someone says, "that won't work," don't try to convince them why it will, find out why they think it won't.
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When someone doesn't want to do something you want them to do, don't try to tell them why they should, find out why they won't.
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Finding the "why" is practically impossible when you're angry or frustrated. Which is why it's important to shift that emotion first. For me, imagining someone as a child dissolves my anger almost instantly. I have no idea if this technique is original or if already exists somewhere in a psychology book, but I figured it out on my own, and I swear by it.
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Try it the next time someone frustrates you. It could be a co-worker, a partner, a boss, a family member, anyone.
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The moment you catch yourself ready to explode on someone (likely tomorrow at Thanksgiving), shift your emotion from frustration to compassion by picturing them as a child. Then, looking through that lens of compassion, see if you can discover their "thing" behind the thing. Get curious about their "why."

I promise, it will make a world of difference.

Katrina "seeking all the things" Turner

P.S. If you do try this out, I'd love to hear how it went. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours xo.
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